Titus

For weeks now, all I've wanted to do is write and write, and yet when I sat down, I couldn't seem to put words on a page.  At first, it seemed wrong to give voice to all that has happened.  Then it seemed like there was too much to say.  Now I know that there are things that must be said, lest we all begin to let sweet Titus slip away.  For weeks I've been continually surprised at how far away events like Thanksgiving feel.  I've even thought to myself, "that feels like a lifetime ago".  Then I realized that everything that happened before December 14 seems like a lifetime ago because in fact it is.  One sweet, precious, fleeting lifetime ago.  A lifetime that as unlikely as it may seem has changed the world-- changed my world-- utterly and forever.  Selfishly, I would give anything to close my eyes and wake up in that world again.  Yet I know that is wasteful pining, so I try not to dwell on those desires.  You wouldn't think that someone you knew for only 48 short hours could change your life so dramatically, but sweet Titus Michael Tarrant did just that.

I'm still trying to make sense of  all that God is doing in my life right now.  Sometimes I feel like life is swirling around me-- like I'm standing on the inside of a tornado-- and I get brief glimpses of some truth or fact and then--woosh-- it's gone.  And here I am standing in the midst, hoping that it will swirl past once more.  Maybe then I'll be quick enough to grab it.  Or maybe I have to wait for a while-- wait for the tornado to stop churning, and then I'll be able to walk amongst the debris and see the story.  I don't know... who can know?  God.  Our God.   

Elohim. El Elyon. El Roi- the God who sees.  A hard truth that doesn't seem so hard unless your in the midst of tragedy.  God sees me.  God sees my brother and sister.  God saw Titus.  Jehovah-shammah.  El Shaddai.  Jehovah-rapah- the LORD who heals.  Another hard truth for me.  I keep thinking about this verse:

"Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. (John 9:2-3)

The works of God have undeniably been displayed in Titus.  But my flesh cries out "God, couldn't there have been other ways to glorify yourself?"  I could list a dozen other ways.  Dozens of ways.  

Jehovah-raah.  Jehovah-shalom. He is all of these-- creator, God most high, God who sees, LORD who is there, the all-sufficient one, healer, my shepherd, peace.  I think the God that I am seeing right now is clearly Jehovah-mekoddishkem-- the LORD who sanctifies you.  And it sucks a little bit.  That's how I feel about that at the moment.  

Well-  enough about me.  I want to introduce you to my beautiful nephew, my godson-- 

 Titus Michael Tarrant

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If you'd like to listen to the audio of Titus' memorial, you can do so here.  

This is a song my cousin wrote for Titus: