Refiner's Fire

As I've previously talked about, I've spent a lot of time meditating on Psalm 139 this pregnancy.  When I last wrote about it on the blog, I knew that I had been struggling with resting in the fact that before our child was even conceived God had numbered his (her??) days.  But I felt that my faith had grown-- I really was resting in the fact that God is doing this thing-- not me or Nathan or my OB. 

The morning I wrote that blog post was also the morning of our 20 week scan.  This is the big one where they count all the fingers and toes and look at the heart and make sure all as well.  Most mom's and dad's may not put a lot of emphasis on that part of the scan, because this is also about the time that they can accurately tell you the gender of your baby.  Nathan and I had already decided we did not want to know if it was a boy or a girl (much to Granny Shirley's chagrin).  As first-time parents we decided that we want to focus on preparing for a baby without getting distracted by pink or blue fun-ness.  We also want a big family, and we know it will serve us well to have all of baby's needs in reusable colors :)

So anyway, back to the scan.  We were both excited to get our fist glimpses of our little baby.  Even though I knew there was a chance that the scan could show some abnormality, it wasn't even a concern for me.  I really was resting in God.  Of course, that first step is often not enough.  There are times when we are tested in our faith-- tested so that our hearts may be revealed, so that we may come out looking more like Christ, so that we may be more deeply rooted in our faith. 

"For You, O God have tested us; you have refined us as silver is refined.

You brought us into the net; You laid affliction on our backs.

You have caused men to ride over our heads; We went through fire 

and through water; But You brought us out to rich fulfillment."

~ Psalm 66:10-12 

Of course, being a child raised in a charismatic church, I can't read this Psalm without also being reminded of this horrific song from 1990-  

Purify my heart

Let me be as gold and precious silver

Purify my heart

Let me be as gold, pure gold

 

Refiner's fire

My heart's one desire

Is to be holy

Set apart for You Lord

I choose to be holy

Set apart for You my Master

Ready to do Your will 

~Brian Doerksen

Now you know I'm not one to hold back my opinions (a state which has been unfortunately heightened during this pregnancy), so I've got to ask: "are you kidding me?"  This song is seared into my head.  When played on Sunday mornings, it was one of those songs that made everyone sway back and forth rhythmically perhaps stifling the urge to join hands and circle 'round a campfire with the hopes of moving on to "Kumbaya My Lord".   Seriously?  Seriously??  I've begun to learn that while being tested by God is a good thing it is not a fun thing or something that makes you feel good at the time.  It certainly doesn't make me want to sway back and forth and put a nice sheen on the hard things that have happened.  Now the end results- what is accomplished through the testing that is what makes me want to sing and shout and jump up and down.  But please, let us banish the idea that being left in a raging fire long enough to melt away our impurities is comforting or pretty. 

So after our ultrasound tech spends an abnormal amount of time counting the fingers and toes on each tiny hand and foot (seriously- I was beginning to wonder if we were missing a few), she tells us that the ventricles in the baby's brain are too big and our doctor will probably want us to go see a specialist.  Surprisingly, this information did not send me to tears; in fact after the ultrasound they took me to do my weight and blood pressure, and my blood pressure was on the low end of normal as always.  I really was resting in the truth that God was in control (Twila Paris... anyone??).  And really, who couldn't be happy after seeing this precious face:

More on our testing/ baby coaster soon...